Iconic Movie Scenes - Conan the Barbarian

I’m going to talk about a master class in believable, and utterly epic, battle sequences.

To do so, I’m going to use what I think might be the most underrated film of all time.

Conan the Barbarian.

First a foreword. In order to talk about Conan at all, I will inevitably have to split it up into individual topics, themes, scenes, sentences, words, facial expressions, sound effects, the speed of the credits rolling, Arnie, the various shades of dirt that can be seen throughout the film.

Basically, I really could talk about this film forever.

Why underrated film of all time?

I’d better address that up front, aye. I think it’s underrated because, while it may be loved by many, and indeed rated highly in certain circles, and was the very film that created the Juggernaut that is Arnold Schwarzenegger, I think it is generally seen as a fun, sword and sorcery popcorn flick, which paved the way for the domination of the action genre soon after.

But masterpiece of theatre? Operatic epic worthy of myth? Deep examination of the strength of the human spirit? Realistic portrayal of the harshness of life, subverting the tropes of the happy fairy-tale ending, but not without an aftertaste of hope that the journey must go on?

Damn, I’ve already ruined it. This many words down and I haven’t even mentioned the battle sequence in question.

For those who disagree, don’t worry. I’ll be returning to my claim that this film is way more special than we all realise. And you can come at me. I’ll be here.

For those who do agree (and, gratefully, I know a score…), this blog is mostly for you – you’re probably wondering what took me so long to finally descend into the fighting pit that is our passion for this film. “Sit here!” and enjoy the sermon.

For those who don’t care. My deepest apologies and regrets. I may not be able to climb out of this pit of geeky references and self indulgent analyses of this film I love too much. This is now the blog, forever.

Not really, but…

OK, now to the battle sequence. Spoiler alert? Old as this film is, I’d hate to ruin it even a little for the youngins who may (Crom forbid) have never backtracked to watch this classic. The spoilers are light, and in truth, not so significant – this is not a movie of complex plot and Shyamalan twists, but one of emotional resonance and high impact.

First a prayer.

“Grant me one wish. Grant me revenge.”

It is possibly Arnie’s greatest acting work. A prayer to a God who deals not in mercy or charity, but in strength and defiance. This God – Crom – respects the audacity of his followers and rewards their boldness. The prayer sets the stage, and ends with an ultimatum.

“If you do not listen, then to hell with you!”

The stakes are simple, and the actual plot is secondary. A cult leader is coming for his bride (whom he stole away and successfully brain washed, as cult leaders are want to do). Conan is using said bride as bait to bring the full forces of his sworn enemy to him. He wants vengeance. For his love. For his very life. For everything.

But it isn’t even completely about the vengeance in this battle. It is about something deeper. It’s about two companions, Conan and Subotai, loyal and bonded by tragedy and survival, facing all the demons that have followed them all their lives, that they have been ignoring. It’s about this tortured, yet unyielding, man expelling everything from his soul, for better or worse, so that he might finally turn his eyes away from the haunting snake that transfixes him.

“All that matter is that two stood against many…”

Yes. It is two against dozens, perhaps a hundred. The specific numbers don’t matter. These are not super heroes, but men, of flesh and blood. A single arrow, a single slip, will kill them. And they know it. No bravado or heroic arrogance. These two men know that they are likely going to die, and they contemplate this fact in the peaceful quiet of a cool breeze.

“For us, there is no spring. Just the wind that smells fresh before the storm.”

What proceeds is a spectacle of tactics, pure grit, close calls and absolute brutality. The preparation of the two men, the advantage of picking the battlefield, comes into play in a most satisfying way. They use fear to disorientate their attackers, and mobility to engage and disengage from danger when necessary. There is little Hollywood glamour-fighting, though the action is incredibly exciting and (dare I repeat) brutal.

Once all is said and done, and – beyond all belief – victory is achieved, the two warriors wear it on their faces, in their very movements. Conan looks to the heavens in wonder and awe and salutes, reverent. He has done the impossible. He has become a legend.

It’s that feeling, of truly having to fight for something of meaning, and coming out the other end thinking – “How in the hell did that just happen? No really. How?”

The very definition of a “stand up and cheer” moment.

Add to this, the music. The glorious musical score by Basil Poledouris that elevates this film to its epic status. I’ve often said Conan the Barbarian is more a Symphony accompanied by cinematic imagery. (Well… I’ve never actually worded it that way until now…) This battle scene demonstrates the point.

I can’t end this without mentioning the third member of the party, who bears witness to this most glorious feat. The wizard Mako – who in corny Hollywood action flicks later morphed into the trope of the “useless comic relief character.” – is here done so well, without an ounce of cliche to be seen. His minor brushes with danger in the encounter only add to the realism and beauty of the scene, rather than devalue it. It is plainly obvious that he is out of his depth in the fight to come, and yet he still manages to have a great moment – likened to a water boy nearly getting caught up in the fray, Mako shows amazing courage, and we love him for it.

“I did it… with my spear!”

His excitement is infectious, and the quaver to his voice gives away the terror he must be feeling, just by being around such violence and danger – yet stick around he does, and more.

And goddam. That scene with the spike trap is so epic. So, so epic…

I think I’d better stop. There is more. But for the sake of you who are now looking at me suspiciously, wondering if you should ever trust my taste in anything again, I’ll leave this most incredibly geeky rant here.

For those who are just as much geeks of this film as me, and actually want more of this, don’t worry. I’ll be back…

…wait, wrong film!

“Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!”

There we go.